Would you be my girlfriend
in a dating relationship
with the possibility of courtship
leading to Marriage?”
“Yes. Yes. Yees!”
That was me recently extending that proposition.
And she said yes. Three times. Three times she said yes.
We had been hanging out a lot. A LOT. Talking a lot. And chatting a whoooollle lot more on Whatsapp.
I was getting to like her. A lot. Clearly a whole lot was going on until last week.
I met her earlier this year after a SMS conversation with a pal of mine whom I shall call Moses (well because that’s his name literally and figuratively) mentioned, in passing, that he was attending a creative writing workshop series.
I don’t recall much else of the conversation except that he was attending that workshop.
Interestingly, Moses attended only one class of fourteen in the series and little does he know that he ‘led me to the promised Land without seeing it himself like his biblical namesake.
And that is when I first met her.
I think I have a thing with creative writing workshops.
Out of my first creative writing workshop in 2008, I got a book to my credit that I always insist found me and which has generated numerous opportunities to express myself and make a difference. In January, now, was a great opportunity to create that to die for, finger licking , sumptuous, melodelicious, chocolate dripping, snazzy lifetime discovery filled, love life.
Soul of Sex Workshop
I also recently attended a Soul of Sex workshop with Curtis Reed of Ajenda Africa. I was quite eager to discover a new scriptural narrative of sex other than the clichéd and now highly predictable one that pastors propagate to feel they have made a contribution, however small, that “sex is the preserve of marriage because God said so.” An assertion which I think is a sure way of getting those to have sex at the first opportunity.
I walked into that workshop with two possible outcomes on my mind: bored by the predictability of it, or open-minded to a fresh outlook of sex.
No, I wasn’t thinking of sex with my new pal. I lie. I am a guy. Guys think about sex a lot of the time. All guys! Research also has it that at least 90% of guys think about sex. I would imagine that the other 10% lie about it.
However, I was interested in being an authentic sexual guy without having to have sex. I was thinking intimacy without sex. Honest. I dared not put my thoughts on loudspeaker or paper or blog because i also didn’t believe them myself, Intimacy without sex? It’s like having nyama choma without meat.
Until that Soul of Sex workshop.
My main take out was the about the original meaning of the word eros or erotic, which has been highly sexualized out there, but means full of zest or passion, fully engaged. No wonder the word is highly sexualised because when we encounter people who are living passionately, they do come across as being sexy. And that’s the tag that lingers.
It was then that I recalled that in hanging out with this fine African lady, we talked about everything and forgot about everything else. It could easily be described as infatuation. I assert that we were being fully engaged, in zest, passionate about what we do. We were being erotic. Experiencing eros. And there was no sex.
And I needed to affirm and let her know that I enjoyed her company thoroughly.
The Next Level
At some point, I felt this passionate engagement needed to go to the next level.
Next level of being good friends. I added of being a commitment to intimacy. A commitment to being known and to knowing her.
However, now all this was showing up in the context of a commitment and relationship; two things that make me always run to the hills. My relationship to commitment and relationship has been that it is hard work, no fun, painful, pressure laden, ever cautious and too too risky.
But this was showing up differently. And it was fun, exciting full of ease and grace. Yet, it still felt a lot like it was a commitment and a relationship. It therefore needed a decision and more so a decisive action. I considered two scenarios before making a decision:
Getting into a relationship….what’s in it for me?
Staying in a relationship… what’s in it for her?
Asking her to be my girlfriend in a dating relationship with the possibility of courtship leading to friendship was the decisive action I needed to take. And I did.
And she said yes. Yes. Yeeess!
Pink clouds fade away. Pink Clouds are an opportunity to delight in the nice romantic feelings of falling in love. That, too, fades away.
I am choosing to use this opportunity to dig a foundation. It’s easier now when I don’t have to and when I feel really good.
A foundation of Intimacy. A foundation for Intimacy.
What it has entailed for us in the last few days is to define what intimacy would mean a day at a time. Intimacy could range from asking her to sit next to me in church to having ice-cream at 10:00pm one rainy evening at the iconic Sno Cream to making a declaration of love in the presence of a close circle of friends and saying it with flowers.
Creating these intimate moments with deep sincere conversations is really cool for me.
Sex, I see then, becomes a fulfilment of, rather than an access to, intimacy and therefore, worth waiting for in a context of freedom, love and commitment.
I went shopping for a happy ending of a better past in the present, I couldn’t find one. So, I bought a new beginning of a new present that will make a better past.
9 thoughts on “Intimacy: Here’s to New Beginnings”
Wow Chris; you get better and better, both in the writing as well as the inspired conviction. The word that comes is power through courage. You have chosen to be naked with all its attendant risks, now the payoff. I especially like the fact that you can could declare your love and intentions in front of your friends.
Excellent; I pray that the both of you may come into a revelation of the love of God for both of you in and through this relationship, Amen!
Awesome to see how much growth is taking place in your life, Chris, and the progression of your life journey. As your friend, I am encouraged too, reminded that those who ask, receive, those who seek find, the door is opened to those who knock. Keep on keeping on brother.
As i am reading your account of what has been the journey of asking her to walk with you I started thinking on choices, decisions and the wisdom of God.
I started exploring the Word, specifically in the exercise of wisdom in the various aspects of life. I realize now that certain things in our lives are provided for by God in order to draw us into greater responsibility and thus maturity, and that they also would lead us to truly desire and seek for wisdom from God. Sometimes we get used to being in a certain level, we acclimatise to the conditions there, can predict what will happen the next day or the next few months, because we have settled into patterns, and we stop needing God because we are now in charge. Anything that threatens change sparks fear and is received with resistance, because it means leaving behind what we knew for starting all over again in an unknown place, while unsure about whether we have whatvit takes. Imagine refuses to move from one class to the next becuase you know the syllabus of say Class seven, and none of Class eight, despite it being the end of year? !
From what you wrote, for example, the sinking in of the revelation on your part that “sex is actually a fulfilment of intimacy, rather than an access to intimacy” from what you were open to learning, and that God revealed in the Workshop teaching, is the building up of godly wisdom on your part on presumably an area you may have thought you knew a lot about, and this is wisdom, godly wisdom, becuase the opposite of that is “earthly wisdom” which has its own repercussions.
It brings home the point why God wants us to aspire say towards relationships, (difficult as they are to get right and unsure of ourselves as we are), that they are an example of growth, just like desiring for more challenging opportunities for ourselves as we often do so far as career opportunities go, business, education, relationships are in their own sphere, and they are to be associated with the highest level of service and sacrifice, re: Adam and Eve, God brought about relationship after EVERYTHING else had been completed, they had their own unique dynamic from the inset. And on the real, serving (which is what relationships entail) is one of those things that is done while actually in that class, studying, not from outside wondering (or wandering). (Sidenote: For those desiring to enter into a relationship, begin by serving, and ask for wisdom in how to go about it; in the Kingdom of God there is no other better way! )
“If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.” – James 1:5-8.
This is how seriously God takes decisiveness. This book of James that speaks a whole lot on wisdom, also integrates decision making and action, as opposed to mere rhetoric (or theory and many words) in the practice of wise living.
On that note, i remembered Joel 3:14 where the prophet speaks of “thousands upon thousands are waiting in the valley of decision. There the day of the Lord will soon arrive,” which points us to the judgement that will separate the people in that day, the “sheep from the goats”, and further, the days of Joshua, where he told the people that they were expected to make the right choice but either way, whether they actively did or ignored the directive, that they were actually making their decision “But if you refuse to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve…but as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord. “-Joshua 24:15.
As you (Chris) spoke on your process of decision making, and the actions that followed, it hit me just how much decisions are the mainstay of the walk of God, and thus, why James writes that the wisdom from the Lord above is the key to walking in true spirituality.
God’s wisdom – which doesn’t come as we sit idly by but is activated by our faith in action-is what makes us step up to the calling and destiny we have in God, and that’s why everyone who wants more from God must be willing to make a decision, and thereby exercising the same muscle, so to speak. Do you practice making decisions? Every challenge, trial, temptation, problem etc. Is an opportunity to practice making decisions that reflect God.
Salvation is received by making a decision to receive the Lord Jesus Christ, “For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (Romans 10:9). If salvation is received by making a decision and declaring it, how much of our new lives in the Spirit are empowered by the choices and decisions we make by faith, and that are activated by declaring boldly!
In the garden, the Father gave Adam and Eve the power to choose above all else. Exercising walking in wisdom is expressed by grabbing opportunities to make decisions that initiate spiritual assignments, just like you (Chris) have in this particular situation, and these include decisions such as receiving the salvation of God through his Son Jesus Christ, receiving the Holy Spirit, accepting the call to serve God and man, choosing to be a disciple of Jesus that picks up his cross and follows Christ, etc.
Every point of elevation begins with a choice/decision to follow through. Whether in relationships, career, health, business, etc. And for this the Bible implores us to ask for wisdom in order to make the right decisions, faith and actions.
Proverbs 2 speaks extensively on the subject, and as a whole, the book will fill us with wisdom. The words of Solomon to his son, ring true for us today, “If you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look formit as silver and search for it asnfor hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. ” (Prov. 2:1-6).
Let us be diligent seekers of God, there are many things clamouring for our attention but lets strive to seek God, let us continually ask the Lord to give us wisdom for the things we need to do and the course we need to be on, “who gives generously to all without finding fault,” imagine that!!! The Word expressly says that in the area of supplying wisdom, God does not go finding fault, because wisdom is what will eventually set us straight.!
Here is to all of us going the distance, in the fear of God, led of the Holy Spirit, in Jesus name, empowered with wisdom from above.
Regards, Peter Kariuki
Very good stuff here , congratulations to new beginnings.
Cousin, am happy for you. So happy. And you know why.
Check inbox FB
This is awesome!
I started out reading one post about my former school mate’s wedding dress, which led to another post, and then another….. Absolutely brilliant! Happy for you both and that’s some great writing right there. Hope to catch up with more….
Nice and congratulations for your wedding.
Truly Refreshing, God bless your life together.