Would you be my girlfriend
in a dating relationship
with the possibility of courtship
leading to Marriage?”
“Yes. Yes. Yees!”
That was me recently extending that proposition.
And she said yes. Three times. Three times she said yes.
We had been hanging out a lot. A LOT. Talking a lot. And chatting a whoooollle lot more on Whatsapp.
I was getting to like her. A lot. Clearly a whole lot was going on until last week.
I met her earlier this year after a SMS conversation with a pal of mine whom I shall call Moses (well because that’s his name literally and figuratively) mentioned, in passing, that he was attending a creative writing workshop series.
I don’t recall much else of the conversation except that he was attending that workshop.
Interestingly, Moses attended only one class of fourteen in the series and little does he know that he ‘led me to the promised Land without seeing it himself like his biblical namesake.
And that is when I first met her.
I think I have a thing with creative writing workshops.
Out of my first creative writing workshop in 2008, I got a book to my credit that I always insist found me and which has generated numerous opportunities to express myself and make a difference. In January, now, was a great opportunity to create that to die for, finger licking , sumptuous, melodelicious, chocolate dripping, snazzy lifetime discovery filled, love life.
Soul of Sex Workshop
I also recently attended a Soul of Sex workshop with Curtis Reed of Ajenda Africa. I was quite eager to discover a new scriptural narrative of sex other than the clichéd and now highly predictable one that pastors propagate to feel they have made a contribution, however small, that “sex is the preserve of marriage because God said so.” An assertion which I think is a sure way of getting those to have sex at the first opportunity.
I walked into that workshop with two possible outcomes on my mind: bored by the predictability of it, or open-minded to a fresh outlook of sex.
No, I wasn’t thinking of sex with my new pal. I lie. I am a guy. Guys think about sex a lot of the time. All guys! Research also has it that at least 90% of guys think about sex. I would imagine that the other 10% lie about it.
However, I was interested in being an authentic sexual guy without having to have sex. I was thinking intimacy without sex. Honest. I dared not put my thoughts on loudspeaker or paper or blog because i also didn’t believe them myself, Intimacy without sex? It’s like having nyama choma without meat.
Until that Soul of Sex workshop.
My main take out was the about the original meaning of the word eros or erotic, which has been highly sexualized out there, but means full of zest or passion, fully engaged. No wonder the word is highly sexualised because when we encounter people who are living passionately, they do come across as being sexy. And that’s the tag that lingers.
It was then that I recalled that in hanging out with this fine African lady, we talked about everything and forgot about everything else. It could easily be described as infatuation. I assert that we were being fully engaged, in zest, passionate about what we do. We were being erotic. Experiencing eros. And there was no sex.
And I needed to affirm and let her know that I enjoyed her company thoroughly.
The Next Level
At some point, I felt this passionate engagement needed to go to the next level.
Next level of being good friends. I added of being a commitment to intimacy. A commitment to being known and to knowing her.
However, now all this was showing up in the context of a commitment and relationship; two things that make me always run to the hills. My relationship to commitment and relationship has been that it is hard work, no fun, painful, pressure laden, ever cautious and too too risky.
But this was showing up differently. And it was fun, exciting full of ease and grace. Yet, it still felt a lot like it was a commitment and a relationship. It therefore needed a decision and more so a decisive action. I considered two scenarios before making a decision:
Getting into a relationship….what’s in it for me?
Staying in a relationship… what’s in it for her?
Asking her to be my girlfriend in a dating relationship with the possibility of courtship leading to friendship was the decisive action I needed to take. And I did.
And she said yes. Yes. Yeeess!
Pink clouds fade away. Pink Clouds are an opportunity to delight in the nice romantic feelings of falling in love. That, too, fades away.
I am choosing to use this opportunity to dig a foundation. It’s easier now when I don’t have to and when I feel really good.
A foundation of Intimacy. A foundation for Intimacy.
What it has entailed for us in the last few days is to define what intimacy would mean a day at a time. Intimacy could range from asking her to sit next to me in church to having ice-cream at 10:00pm one rainy evening at the iconic Sno Cream to making a declaration of love in the presence of a close circle of friends and saying it with flowers.
Creating these intimate moments with deep sincere conversations is really cool for me.
Sex, I see then, becomes a fulfilment of, rather than an access to, intimacy and therefore, worth waiting for in a context of freedom, love and commitment.
I went shopping for a happy ending of a better past in the present, I couldn’t find one. So, I bought a new beginning of a new present that will make a better past.