Recently, I woke up to the realization that I don’t trust. It’s not as bad as it used to be but however, it is more fundamental. This is because my whole being, my whole life, literally, rests on this.
I don’t trust that:
That I will ever get out of this financial rut no matter what I do
That I will find rest in this lifetime
That I will find order in my life
That I will have consistent progress in my life
That I will make it
I will be alive much longer if my life continues like this. It’s tiring
That I will have that relationship to die for with a woman who is ALL woman and I ALL man in her life
His redeeming mercy and love will be mine
What I woke up to that morning, was the idea that to move beyond where I am, I need a COMPLETE REWIRING if not A COMPLETE REENGINEERING
If redemption is earned I have done EVERYTHING in my finite ability to do that.
I found myself saying and acknowledging that mine this morning was an arrogant prayer.
I had a drinking dream and it is said that when that happens, there is something in my life that needs looking at, dealing with, acknowledging.
I woke in earnest and sincere prayer and I told Him I realise that what I am asking of myself in my life is redemption, restoration, trust and indeed, salvation. I ask for it now.
To move from where I am needs a God. I can’t do it. God knows I can’t do it. I am tired. I am tired, not the pissed off tired, but the tired of REAL physical, emotional and mental exhaustion.
I am exhausted of
Searching for Him
Doing the right thing
Of feeling guilty, ashamed, sick and tired of doing the wrong thing
This recovery journey as I know it
The effort I have put in the search
The time I have put in
The pain and self-denial it takes to work on myself
The being there for others and seeing the outcome and real results in their lives of that association
Not finding an African older male mentor with whom we can relate
I know the thing that may come through about the space I am in is one of self-pity. I am not going to argue. I just wish I could have mercy on me more than the pity I may, if at all, be having on myself.
I have sabotaged my own progress several times: too many to count. And looking at it, it is insane. In some situations, most actually, I have walked into the Sabotage Zone, with my eyes wide open and in others, wide shut. The insanity of it freaks me out. And that is why, I believe to get different results, I certainly need to do it differently. And to do it differently, I need to be wired differently and I can’t do that on or by myself. I don’t do wiring. He Does.
I give up, I surrender. I am writing this on the premise that I have done ALL I can and could with what I had and have. It is a place that is real for me. Even if it is a perception, is NOT occurring as such. It occurs as real.
Now, let me share a cost-benefit analysis of NOT trusting God and of trusting HIM. I will use God here as the most consistent example used out there as a source of deliverance, redemption, salvation, sobriety, possibility, love, whatever. My personal experience of God that I will draw on is one of being a source of grace.
In doing this exercise, I am suspending all judgement of self. This makes available honesty and open-mindedness with me and willingness to let go and let God.
Cost of NOT trusting Him
- I stay miserable
- I remain fearful
- I stay small
- I struggle, struggle, struggle
- I always doubt if I am doing the right thing
- I HAVE to go to church, to meetings, to lifegroup, to friends’ wedding committees
- I HAVE to give, to tithe, to share
- I resent those who seem to be making it
- I believe that what I have will be taken away again
- I believe I will never make it
- I work harder on myself on my steps
- I am ALWAYS tired
- I am alone and lonely
- I am misunderstood, rejected and judged
- I suffer depression
- I stay broke
- I become suspicious of good times and good spaces
- I am solely responsible for the way my life turns out
Benefit of NOT trusting Him
- I don’t have to have faith now about a result in the future
- I can justify my misery
- I don’t have to take care of my son, He will
- I don’t have to fast, pray, delay gratification
- I don’t have to work on myself which to me, is synonymous with spiritual growth
- I can justify my depression by saying I am just a man and beyond this siwesmek
- I cannot be held responsible or accountable for my life. He gave me a messed up life that I didn’t apply for so , I can do whatever I want with it including ending it
- The good results in my life are ALL my doing
- I can easily walk away from bad situations; failed relationships; people I have hurt and blame it on them
- I can source my own deliverance, redemption, salvation, sobriety, love, possibilities
- I can do what I want when I want how I want
- I can be the centre and source of my own life
Cost of trusting Him
- Is that I surrender my beliefs, outlook, hopes and desires to Him
- Is that I don’t do my will anymore
- Listening to my sponsors and loving critics even when I don’t want to
- I have to wait, to develop patience
- Give up the idea that my way is better than His
- It’s often inconvenient and uncomfortable
- That I will often not get what I want
- That it will cost me financially, in time, energy
- Spiritual growth takes effort, courage
- Action, action, action
- Prayer, prayer, prayer takes faith, waiting, waiting, and more faith
- That my life is not mine any more
- Watching my language
- I work my program as it is designed
- Never being sure of where He is in my life situations
Benefit of trusting Him
- He can take responsibility for His part in my creation
- I can rest especially assured that ALL will be ok no matter what
- The quality of His deliverance, redemption, salvation, sobriety, love, possibilities always beats those that I have sourced myself
- That I can assign all responsibility of how my life turns out to Him
- There is belief as being true that only He can redeem, save, deliver, love, sober me up and fulfil on the possibilities and purpose of my life
Now beyond doing this I do not know what next. I, however, would like to note the following:
In terms of number of points only:
- The COST of NOT TRUSTING Him outweighs the BENEFIT of NOT TRUSTING by 33%.
- The COST of TRUSTING Him also outweighs the BENEFIT of TRUSTING by almost 70%.
In simplistic terms, it means that NOT TRUSTING is NOT working for me. There also is a faith or spiritual crisis. This is because if not trusting is not working and trusting is coming at a high cost, then I am not surprised at the incongruence of it all and how it is showing up in reality.
Wait, wait, wait…