First posted on 21st October,2010 after a lecture titled Wounds of a Dad at Mavuno Church, Nairobi.
Hi Pastor S
That lecture was quite something. I thought I had dealt with my father wound issues during the Man Enough Series in 2009. He wouldn’t meet me last year and I chose to let him go. But I guess this was at another level. A deeper one.
I met my father for the first time when I was 17, for all of ten minutes. I coerced my mother through violence to arrange the meeting. I have since met him 4 or 5 times over the last 22 years. The acknowledgment I sought was lacking in all of those meetings. Even naming my first son after him did not make a difference.
On Sunday I wept. I wept because, I was angry, I was sad, I was bitter.
I now have a ten and a half year old son whom I don’t live with. I made a decision about 6 years ago to be part of his life and him in mine. Little did I realise how ill-equipped and inadequate I was for the task of raising a man. I guess this is where my sadness, anger and bitterness arose on Sunday.
I am also taking the Parenting Class(LEA) that I almost quit a few weeks ago until I got it that I don’t want my son, at 40, sitting in a similar class dealing with the same issues I am dealing with. It is hard. Yet, I honestly do not want my son to go through what I have gone through; a life dogged by alcoholism, relationships with unavailable women and mistrust of men leading to a life of zero accountability. And this has also greatly impacted my faith and trust in God.
I was angry at the immense responsibility and work that I have got cut out for me. I was bitter at this legacy he has bequeathed me and sad at the experience I am going through of feeling neutered after yet another failed relationship. It was hard letting go. It is hard forgiving my father.
Then on Tuesday evening, I got a call from my mother that my dad had died that morning. Honestly, my first feeling was that he had won again. This time for ever.
It has been suggested that I should be the bigger man and do what a son does; that I honour my father. I have shared that I have no clue how to do this. And I still don’t. I don’t even know whether to let my son know. I am however, considering attending the funeral.
Right now, I am wavering between numbness and the now familiar feelings and thoughts of anger, confusion, sadness and bitterness.
3 thoughts on “Wounds of a Dad: Still Got Work to Do”
Wow…that’s deep..! One thing that touches me is your willingness to work at your relationship with your son to avoid history repeating itself…way to go Chris!
Deeply honest and very very powerful. Thank you for sharing. Your struggle, if we are honest, is ours.
This is deep.. I have a 2yr old son and am not in touch with his father. I am really worried about him developing anger and bitterness should his father decide not to have a relationship with him in future..