random rudimentary rhymes

i was with Rugz, my Y-chromosome.

special moments & then some.

bonding that’s wholesome;

though feeling kinda lonesome

and hoping for a twosome

to get him a li’l plum.

 

————————————————————————

 

neither an optimist nor a pessimist but a realist be…

…a step at a time is all I can see…

…coz living in the moment just sets me free.

 

———————————————————————–

 

trust, trust, trust; without evidence, believe I must.

coz, that’s when, and only when, Love streams from You.

then, and only then, would my dreams come true.

 

————————————————————————

 

focus & discipline, are not my lot.

without them, I lose the plot.

in a rock & a hard place, I am caught.

past is gone, so I thought.

daily battles to be won, coz I fought.

 

————————————————————————

 

i had a fruitful time today.

be it as it may,

i had no say

if it went this or that way.

E-Z DUZ IT does pay

going with the flow made my day.

 

————————————————————————

 

i didn’t get to sleep much.

my reality I take as such,

with my feelings I’m in touch

grateful that my job status is my crutch.

 

————————————————————————

 

chris has been sharing

about how he’s faring

getting his bearing

with stuff that’s daring

despite the fear that’s glaring

and past failures blaring…

 

————————————————————————-

 

chris is going to do his part

flowing with what’s in his heart

while blowing his doubts apart a

and showing that his HP is indeed alert.

 

————————————————————————-

 

i have put in an honest day’s work.

i made my mark

coz it wasn’t a walk in the park.

soul seeks rest; now that it’s dark

but I’d love a rubdown on my back

 

————————————————————————-

 

i begin the day on a clean slate

though, also with a full plate.

so, I don’t wanna be late

or blame it on fate

if I’m not first past the gate.

 

————————————————————————-

 

chris is going forth in courage

knowing that he has the advantage

that in order to manage

is to place in His hands

all my baggage.

 

 

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Father Blessing: Still Got Work To Do

First posted on 29th October, 2010

Today, I am just jazzed.

I buried my dad yesterday. And the preparation since I last shared has been along the lines of honouring him. It was mostly trial and error yet a very interesting journey. I am truly grateful to the suggestions and prayers from friends which I considered as marching orders.

Today, I am just jazzed.

Yesterday, a door opened just as an old one closed. In burying him, I said goodbye to a past I have made very significant. In taking my son to the funeral I said hello to a future for and with my son.

Yaani, today, I am just jazzed

Because I feel like I was at a bash rather than a funeral. But more than that, it was an answered prayer. After Sunday’s lecture I asked, in prayer, for God to show me in my reality or at my level how exactly He loves me and believes in me. Yesterday he did just that.

And, today, I am just jazzed

Wounds of a Dad: Still Got Work to Do

First posted on 21st October,2010 after a lecture titled Wounds of a Dad at Mavuno Church, Nairobi.

Hi Pastor S

That lecture was quite something. I thought I had dealt with my father wound issues during the Man Enough Series in 2009. He wouldn’t meet me last year and I chose to let him go. But I guess this was at another level. A deeper one.

I met my father for the first time when I was 17, for all of ten minutes. I coerced my mother through violence to arrange the meeting. I have since met him 4 or 5 times over the last 22 years. The acknowledgment I sought was lacking in all of those meetings. Even naming my first son after him did not make a difference.

On Sunday I wept. I wept because, I was angry, I was sad, I was bitter.

I now have a ten and a half year old son whom I don’t live with. I made a decision about 6 years ago to be part of his life and him in mine. Little did I realise how ill-equipped and inadequate I was for the task of raising a man. I guess this is where my sadness, anger and bitterness arose on Sunday.

I am also taking the Parenting Class(LEA) that I almost quit a few weeks ago until I got it that I don’t want my son, at 40, sitting in a similar class dealing with the same issues I am dealing with. It is hard. Yet, I honestly do not want my son to go through what I have gone through; a life dogged by alcoholism, relationships with unavailable women and mistrust of men leading to a life of zero accountability. And this has also greatly impacted my faith and trust in God.

I was angry at the immense responsibility and work that I have got cut out for me. I was bitter at this legacy he has bequeathed me and sad at the experience I am going through of feeling neutered after yet another failed relationship. It was hard letting go. It is hard forgiving my father.

Then on Tuesday evening, I got a call from my mother that my dad had died that morning. Honestly, my first feeling was that he had won again. This time for ever.

It has been suggested that I should be the bigger man and do what a son does; that I honour my father. I have shared that I have no clue how to do this. And I still don’t. I don’t even know whether to let my son know. I am however, considering attending the funeral.

Right now, I am wavering between numbness and the now familiar feelings and thoughts of anger, confusion, sadness and bitterness.