Governing Values or Marching Orders?

I am complete

I cannot give away what I did not have in the first place. I have all that I need.
Through awareness, gentleness and forgiveness, I accept myself.

I am a beginner

In humility, courage and integrity, I admit I have not arrived. My theme poem says it all;
I went shopping for a happy ending. I couldn’t find one; so, I bought a new beginning.

I am a learner

I admit, I do not know everything yet there is a lot to learn. So through honesty, open mindedness and willingness, I will read, study, take classes, attend seminars, learn from role models and master new techniques and technology that will enable me to learn throughout my life.

I am an artist

I design new patterns of living. I express the beauty and harmony that is in all of us. I mirror who we are through poetry, painting and independent thought and action.

I am a communicator

I share the message of happiness, joy and freedom through possibility thinking, positive thinking, creative expression and fellowship.

I am an influencer

Through self-expression, I inspire others to think differently. To see that through the unique experience of their lives, all is designed for good. Personal growth becomes and remains a top priority with transformation the guiding principle.

I am a coach

Through open-mindedness, understanding, acceptance and patience, I bring others to new levels of expression. I nurture and love and let go.

I do the will of God

Through meditation and prayer, I seek to improve my conscious contact with my creator. I ask for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out. I am freed from a life of limited existence.

I am a servant leader

I help people achieve their dreams and arrive at their purpose. I help, I support, I give of my time, my resources and myself and I guide. Through service, do I find meaning, fulfillment and love.

I am a seeker of truth

I am on a journey that starts with “the truth is out there” to “the truth is within me”. God is a process for me and is ever evolving. Through the philosophy of “This, too, shall pass” and “one day at a time” and through the journey of recovery and discovery, I gain a deeper understanding of truth and God’s will for me.
I stay grateful, humble and willing for more of the truth. I am empowered and enlightened.

I Sigh, As I say Goodbye to Me, Myself and I

I sigh. I’d promised myself that my next note would not have ‘me’, ‘myself’ or ‘I’ in it.

I sigh. As I realise I’ve miserably failed in my intention.

A sigh. Not one of regret. But one of getting it. The me, myself and I that was to come to an end was in my being not in my self expression.

I sigh. Because I know I’ve been here before. So, why is this going to be different?

I sigh. Out of exhaustion of running from nothing to nowhere. Of resisting.

I sigh. Because I know the results.

Yet I sigh. Because I know this time it’ll be different. I will step up to a new and different experience and, yes, get different results.

I sigh. Because. It’s time to say goodbye. To me, myself and I.

I sigh. To hide the trembling of saying hi. To us, us and us. To us.

I sigh. Because I’m still here with you and no,the gods did not shoot me.

I sigh. Because my side of the street only gets meaning with another in it except I.

I sigh. I’m good to go and emptied to do.

I sigh. The new openmindedness takes my breath away.

I sigh. The willingness to do it differently breathes new life into me.

I sigh. As I say goodbye and hi.

I sigh.

Brenda, You are Appreciated

This day 18 years ago, 30th March,1991 we lost Brenda.

Brenda was my twin sister. We were in the same physical space when she died.
I never mourned her death. I may have grieved but I do not recall ever mourning her death.

I was self absorbed with self -pity and busy campaigning for sympathy votes. A campaign I won with a landslide.

I finally dealt with her passing eight years later.

Why, you may ask did it take so long?
I was now in my journey of self discovery and at a stage of confronting my past in order to consign it to the past,where it belonged.

You see, I realized that I’d been envious of Brenda for a very long time. Truth be told,all her life. This envy was mainly expressed through violence.

Increased violence only seemed to make Brenda blossom some more.Here was a girl who,in the estate where we grew up,would bring a game of shake or kati to an end by simply indicating she had to leave.

I was jealous of her popularity and her friends from diverse backgrounds. Worse still, I could not stand it when my friends became her friends.

I recall comments in our early childhood that she should have been born the boy and I the girl. In my seeing green, I saw myself as a waste of space,worse than an afterthought.

What I got 10 years ago when I visited her grave for the last time, was that that all consuming envy did not allow me to be all the Chris I could be, I should be.

Brenda,in her short life here,lived a full life.

I let her go finally,and I let myself be.

And only then, possibly for the first time, did I let Brenda into my heart. Because when the envy was graciously removed did I get to see the person she really was. A deeply personal journey,if there ever was one.

Today, I acknowledge you Brenda for your sense of humour, your vivacity & genuineness, extraordinary & amazing personality that drew out the best in all. Yes,that legacy lives on, because today,amazingly, you’ve made a difference in my life. And I know you’d have loved Facebook.

Party in peace wherever you are.

An Unfathered Father

Today 17th March 2009 my son, Rugz as I call him, turns 9. Milestone,too, for me,because that makes me 9 years as a father.

However,I’ve only been his parent for the last 5 years.A position,though not full time,is one where I’m present & available.A true privilege and honour. A position I had rejected because I did not have the ‘benefit’ of having had my own dad around.

For the longest time,I was a career bum.I truly believed that my bumness was enough to cover several generations. Hence, I truly believed,warped as it was,I now see,that being present in Rugz’ life would infect him with the same bumness.

Until when,someone in their true wisdom, shed light on the folly of my action. You see,in one breath I was lamenting about my absent father and,in the next,I was becoming one.

The challenge was to do it differently and get different results.Scary at first,loving it now. It’s a journey of constant discovery & recovery:a day at a time.Rugz teaches me love but more than that he teaches me how to tell it like it is. He provides me the most amazing Y chromosome moments and I still find myself staring at him as I did when he was but a few months old:in fascination,awe and deep gratitude.

I have since let go of my worry about his future: because he,like each one of us,has his own journey to fulfil. I’m his father in trust. I pray constantly for strength,guidance,wisdom and knowledge of God’s will for me for him as I take on and daily renew that trusteeship.

The realization that God has no grandchildren has ensured that I let go of my earthly father,whom I thank for being the source of my life together with my mother and accept my son wholeheartedly, unreservedly.

Being an unfathered father has given me the opportunity to create and ongoingly recreate an awesome relationship with Rugz that is based on trust & acceptance.And,in the process,there’s quite a bit of fun about it all.It’s also quite something that he got his dad’s good looks.

Happy Birthday Rugz.Here’s to New Beginnings.I love you,dad

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