Pain of Losing What I Never Had

Today I lost something I never had. So, why the pain, the sense of loss?

The pain, though,comes with no suffering because  I realise that suffering is a choice and that pain is inevitable.

Maybe the sense of loss comes from wanting to hold on to the illusion of having had it in the first place.

Why are illusions so attractive, yet they are, well, unreal. Is it because they are an alternative to facing myself? What do I tell myself  about facing myself? That it is a painful process. that I will not like what I see. That I therefore, need to create an illusion, a mask.

If that is so, then that fear is absurd and insane. I mean if losing an illusion is painful and confronting myself produces the same result then fear is worse than a thief. It is a liar. A damn good one at that. Keeping the illusion I also see, keeps me in the fear; in the lie.

Today I had declared I was willing. I told my universe as much.

The universe  listened and provides the ease, grace and courage to step out and listen.

And the beauty of it all was that it was told in a way that I was left feeling appreciated, respected, validated and honoured. And, in so doing, I am willing to accept the pain , because, I know that this, too, shall pass.

And, what I am  left with is the possibility of love, intimacy and friendship.

Yes, for these, I choose to now let go of the illusion.

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MyDearestSpiceGal

Dearest

Why did you come into my life?

Why the dazzle, the charm?

Yet, you couldn’t be my wife?

And love to twist my arm

Why, oh, why

Was the intensity So…well, so intense?

Why are you awesome

Leave me with pain and then some?

Dearest, I loved you

I love you

Gotta let you go now

Thank you For letting me fall in love

Now, who’ll pick me up?

Coz I have fallen…

Ode to MySpiceGal

I have fallen
Pick me

I have loved
Love me

I have let go
Come to me

I have lost it
Find me

I have laughed
Cry with me

I have found sanity
Lose me

MySpiceGal, the pain, the anger, the loss
But, oh, the joy, the bliss, the love

In losing you, I find me
In finding me, I find God
In God, love exists

And in love, I have it all
I Love you MySpiceGal…I LOVE