“Please forgive me. I promise it won’t happen again.”
If those words were an airline’s slogan then I was a frequent flyer, and the whole world seemed to be the travel agent and my sister was my favourite one.
I resented my sister for a very long time; A very very loong time. I have heard it said that resentment is a poison I take hoping that the other person dies. I had died a thousand times when it came to my sister.
The road to forgiveness started when I was sick and tired of playing the victim role or of taking too much poison; and the more poison I took the more she seemed to thrive. I just couldn’t understand it until I started owning my resentment nay hatred. I went into therapy to figure out why I was so angry. I had turned a new leaf in my life, given up the drink, embarked on what seemed an adventurous exciting journey and yet I was still angry at every one, at my sister especially. I couldn’t understand it at all. I had owned my alcoholism and besides, the stuff that I had done was now in the past .Or wasn’t it?
I was increasingly thankful that I didn’t have to hear my words always countered by her “Until when? You are sorry until when next?” I discovered that I had resented the fact that she was my disciplinarian as well as being my sibling. I always felt the justice meted on me was always harsh and did not match the misdeed. I hated her and I was afraid of her. Fear and resentments certainly shut out any peace of mind and hopes of a contented sobriety. I needed help. More than that, I wanted help. The anger was too much and violence was no longer an option. It had got me locked up before.
In therapy I realised that my anger, legitimate or otherwise, was eating me up, it was killing me. I didn’t want to die, not just yet; I had just gotten a new lease of life and I was determined to live it out.
My family denied and continues to deny that I was abused by my sister through her “discipline”. To this day I hear that word, I shudder.
But lo and behold, I prayed, I cried, I made my amends; I said “I am sorry” for the last time when I knew I meant it; I journalled a thousands of pages, I read the self help books, I attended support meetings, seminars, I shared and shared and shared, I lost hope countless of times. Until the breakthrough.
I forgave. I was free at last. I have no claims, and hold no grudges. We are not the greatest of friends but she is now my sister and I her brother .As it should be. As it should have been. I do not regret it all now simply because I learned the power of forgiveness.
The freedom of this true power is she does not realise what it has taken, what I have been through. Maybe one day I will share with her, right now, I don’t need to. Because, I now accept it was all about me; after all I was the one drinking the poison not her.
2 thoughts on “The Power of Forgiveness”
Good post. Thank God for sites such as this one and http://www.addictiontreatment-helpline.com . If it wasn’t for these sites I might not have been able to help my wife before it was too late. You guys rock, so does http://www.addiction-treatment-central.com . Keep up the good work.
I know what you mean Chris, I have just gone through the blog and I must say the section about resentment rings true. Drinking poison and hoping that someone else dies…Why on earth do we hold on to so much hate and resentment when it is fairly obvious that we are better off without it? We carry around so much unnecessary baggage that weighs us down tremendously. Everyday I purpose to release all the negative energy, because really that’s what it is, and open up pathways for my own personal growth. I really love this blog, consensus ad idem, truly I have met another great mind. Some things you say…it’s like you stole the words right out of my mouth! Keep blogging, it is very inspiring.